We Really Need to Catch Up Soon

“We really need to catch up soon.”

There are probably very few sentences said more often between adult friends, with less follow-through.

Both people mean it. Nobody is lying. You genuinely would like to see each other.

Then someone has a busy week. The other person goes away. One of you suggests a Thursday three weeks from now, but the other has plans. The conversation ends with, “Let’s definitely sort something soon.”

Six weeks later, one of you sends a meme.

This is adult friendship.

Not bad. Not broken. Just permanently competing with everything else.

Friendship used to happen around us

At school, you saw the same people almost every day. At university, someone was usually nearby. You lived together, studied together, went out together or sat around doing absolutely nothing together.

You did not need to schedule every interaction.

That part matters more than we realise.

A lot of friendship is built in the boring bits. Walking home. Waiting for a class to start. Sitting in somebody’s kitchen. Seeing the same person often enough that the conversation eventually moves past the safe topics.

Then adult life arrives and removes most of those conditions.

You can work beside someone for two years and still only know what they do at the weekend in the broadest possible terms. You can meet someone at an event, have a genuinely good conversation, exchange Instagram accounts and never see each other again.

It is not because there was no connection.

There was no repetition.

Friends are easy to postpone

Friendship is one of the few important relationships with no real structure around it.

There are expectations attached to being somebody’s partner, colleague, parent or child. Friendship is looser.

That freedom is part of what makes it special. Nobody is forcing you to be friends.

It also makes friendship very easy to neglect.

You probably would not ignore your manager’s message for three weeks and then respond with, “Sorry, life has been crazy.”

With friends, this is almost normal.

Work has deadlines. Appointments are placed in calendars. Family commitments tend to be treated as fixed. Seeing a friend is often the thing moved to next week because it feels like it can wait.

Usually it can.

Until you suddenly realise that someone who once knew every detail of your life now gets the edited summary over coffee twice a year.

Making new friends is somehow even stranger

Maintaining old friendships is difficult enough. Making new ones as an adult comes with its own awkwardness.

There is no clear language for it.

People can openly say they want a relationship. They download apps, go on dates and ask friends to introduce them to someone.

Saying you want more friends can feel much more exposing.

It can sound as though you have none. Or as though something must have gone wrong.

So a lot of people quietly want the same thing while trying very hard not to look like they want it.

You attend something alone but pretend you are completely relaxed about it. You enjoy talking to someone but wait for her to suggest meeting again. She does the same.

Nothing happens.

Adult friendship often dies in the gap between “I liked her” and “Should I actually message her?”

Meeting people is only the first part

There are more ways to meet people than ever.

There are apps, online communities, group chats, classes, events and social clubs.

Meeting is not really the problem.

The difficult part is moving from meeting someone to knowing them.

One nice conversation is not a friendship. Neither is following each other online.

Friendship needs another interaction. Then usually another.

Somebody has to say, “Are you going to the next one?”

Somebody has to suggest coffee without first collecting six weeks of availability from a group of twelve.

Somebody has to risk appearing slightly more interested than the other person.

That is often how it starts.

Not with instant chemistry or a dramatic feeling that you have found your new best friend.

Usually it starts with seeing the same person again.

It might take longer than you think

We put a lot of pressure on first meetings.

You go to one event and expect to know immediately whether you have found your people. If you do not leave with a new friendship group, the evening can feel unsuccessful.

But think about the friends you already have.

Did you know after the first conversation?

Sometimes, yes. Usually, probably not.

You became friends because you kept being around each other. You built shared stories. You moved past the version of yourselves used for introductions.

This is one of the reasons Girls Leuven It Up has different events rather than one large introduction night and a promise that friendship will happen.

A social club cannot hand you a best friend at the door.

It can make the next step less random.

It can put people who are open to meeting others in the same place. It can give you something to talk about. Most importantly, it can give you the chance to see each other again.

We still have to go first

Adult friendship is not impossible. It is simply less automatic.

You may have to attend more than once.

You may have to send the message.

You may have to make a plan that is not perfectly convenient and resist cancelling because your sofa has become unusually persuasive.

You may also meet lovely people who never become close friends. That is normal too.

Not every connection needs to become something bigger.

But when you do meet someone you would like to know better, do not leave the entire future of the friendship to chance.

Ask whether she wants to get a coffee.

Send her the event you mentioned.

Say, “We really need to catch up soon,” but this time add a date.