Maybe You Haven’t Found Your People Yet

You can tell when you are performing.

You become slightly more agreeable. You laugh a bit more than you normally would. You avoid mentioning the thing you are actually interested in because you already know it will not land.

Nothing dramatic happens.

Nobody tells you to change.

You simply notice which version of you receives the best response, and you bring her back next time.

Eventually, you can become very good at fitting in.

The problem is that fitting in can look a lot like belonging from the outside.

It does not feel the same.

We learn quickly what gets approval

Most of us started editing ourselves long before we had a word for it.

Perhaps you were praised for being easygoing, so you stopped saying when something bothered you.

Perhaps people liked you when you were funny, so you learned to make the joke before anybody could ask how you actually felt.

Perhaps you realised that certain interests, opinions or parts of your personality made you stand out in the wrong way.

So you adjusted.

This is not always unhealthy. Everyone behaves differently depending on the setting. You probably should not speak to your manager exactly as you speak to your closest friend.

The issue is not adapting.

The issue is feeling as though acceptance depends on constant editing.

A room can be friendly and still not be your room

Not every space that feels wrong is toxic.

Sometimes the people are perfectly nice.

They simply enjoy different things, communicate differently or want a kind of friendship that does not suit you.

We struggle to leave it there.

Instead, we decide the group is awful or that we are the problem.

Maybe you are too quiet. Too intense. Too serious. Too awkward. Too old for this. Too young for that. Maybe you should try harder to be easy and fun.

Or perhaps you just do not like standing in a loud bar trying to speak over music.

Perhaps you prefer doing something alongside people instead of being expected to create conversation from nothing.

Perhaps you want more than a group that only speaks when someone needs a birthday dinner filled.

Not every mismatch is a personal failure.

Sometimes it is useful information.

Do you actually know what you enjoy?

This sounds like an easy question.

It is not always.

A lot of adults know what they usually do, what their friends like doing and what looks socially acceptable to enjoy.

That is different from knowing what they genuinely want.

Would you choose the same plans if nobody else needed to approve of them?

Do you like large groups, or do you only keep attending them because that is where social life appears to happen?

Do you want new best friends, occasional plans or simply more people to say hello to around the city?

Do you enjoy spontaneous invitations, or do they stress you out?

Do you want to sit and talk for three hours, or would you rather paint something badly while the conversation happens around the activity?

The answers do not need to sound exciting.

They just need to be honest.

It is easier to find compatible people once you stop looking for a community in the abstract and start noticing what makes you feel comfortable, interested and like yourself.

Your people may not all be in one place

We are sold a very specific image of friendship.

One close group. Everyone knows everyone. There is a busy group chat, regular dinners and a holiday each summer.

That exists for some people.

It does not have to be the goal for everyone.

You might have one friend you speak to about work, another you go to comedy nights with and a group you see through a class or community.

One person does not need to meet every social need. Neither does one group.

Sometimes looking for “your people” creates a new kind of pressure. You expect one room to immediately feel like home.

Community can be much less dramatic than that.

It can begin with recognising a few faces.

It can be the person who asks whether you are attending next time.

It can be knowing that you have somewhere to go, even before you know who will be there.

Not every GLIU event will be for you either

This is important.

Girls Leuven It Up organises different types of events because women do not all socialise in the same way.

Someone will love an open-air festival and hate speed friending. Someone else will happily attend a book social but would rather stay home than try pole dancing.

That is fine.

GLIU is not meant to flatten hundreds of different personalities into one definition of a sociable woman.

You do not need to attend everything.

You do not need to love every venue, activity or person you meet.

The point is to give yourself more chances to discover what does feel right.

Stay long enough to tell the difference

There is one complication.

Being new is uncomfortable, even in the right place.

You may walk into a good room on the wrong day. You may feel quiet because you are nervous, not because you have nothing in common with anybody.

Belonging is not always instant.

Sometimes you need to return before a place begins to feel familiar. The second event is easier because you recognise the organiser. The third is easier because somebody remembers your name.

Give people and places a fair chance.

But pay attention to how you feel afterwards.

Did you feel nervous but glad you went?

Or did you spend the entire time trying to become someone easier for the room to accept?

Those are not the same thing.

Maybe you are not bad at friendship.

Maybe you have simply spent too much time trying to fit into rooms that were never quite yours.